


The Remedy

by cherie_morte



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, HIV/AIDS, M/M, San Francisco
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 21:53:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11299575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherie_morte/pseuds/cherie_morte
Summary: Non-Magic!AU: In 1985 San Francisco, Sirius Black is starting to fall in love, but the man he’s falling for, Remus Lupin, can’t or won’t love him back. When he discovers that Remus is HIV positive, the two men have to decide how much a chance at love is worth risking.





	The Remedy

**Author's Note:**

> Repost of my 2009 entry to the [rs_games](http://rs-games.livejournal.com/) originally posted [here](http://infatuated-ink.livejournal.com/28871.html) and [here](http://community.livejournal.com/rs_games/71025.html). Happy Pride!

Sirius Black was in desperate need of a drink. A very big and very strong one. He wasn’t in the habit of drinking on Wednesday evenings (despite what James said, Sirius was _not_ an alcoholic) but he also wasn’t in the habit of being disinherited and, for the first time in his life, virtually penniless. Fortunately for Sirius, drinking was both therapeutic and free. Well, free if you looked like Sirius Black, at least.

It wasn’t a long walk from the post office where he’d received the bad news to the nearest bar that would satisfy his requirements. Sirius had never been more thankful in his life for the excess of gay bars in San Francisco. He walked into The Leaky Cauldron (what kind of name was that for a bar, anyway?) with a very simple plan. He was going to find the first bloke at the bar who was unattached, bat his eyes a few times, and spend the rest of the night drinking on whoever the lucky man happened to be’s buck. If his patron was particularly attractive, Sirius would have an even better distraction from his problems, but the really important thing was to get in and get plastered.

To Sirius’s distress, Wednesday at 5 p.m. was not a terribly popular time to be drinking, and he spent half an hour sitting at the bar unnoticed, terrified that he would actually have to spend his own now-limited funds on alcohol.

“Hey, Moony. The usual?”

Sirius was careful not to seem too interested in the arrival of a boy about his age. He observed him: light brown hair, pretty gorgeous in a reserved way. He was the kind of guy Sirius would love to take home, but seemed unaware enough of his own attractiveness to buy Sirius all the drinks he could hold just for looking at him. Jackpot. 'Moony' nodded at the bartender and gave a lopsided smile when a Blue Moon was set down in front of him.

“Thanks,” he said in a vaguely British accent.

“Brilliant, you speak English,” Sirius said, turning to the man and giving him a genuinely pleased smile. Sirius was always excited when he met someone in this country who could communicate properly.

The boy looked up at Sirius surprised, then cast a glance around the bar to make certain he was the person being addressed.

“Hardly, I’ve lived here for so long it’s starting to fade.”

“Have a little pride in your homeland!” Sirius said, feigning shock and leaning in the stranger’s direction flirtatiously.

The boy took a long sip from his bottle and inclined his head as if he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to continue the conversation or not. This was not familiar ground for Sirius Black. Finally he smiled a little.

“I suppose you’re here to expand the empire, then?”

“Actually, I’m here for all the loose American girls.” The guy laughed sharply and Sirius felt a little encouraged. “If I tell you my name, will you promise not to laugh?”

“I’ve heard some pretty unsightly names in my day, I’m sure yours is fine.”

“I’m Sirius Black,” he paused for the inevitable “serious” pun or at the very least a chuckle but nothing came. “And you are?”

Again, the man looked uneasy about whether to reply.

“Remus,” he finally responded, his delivery both dry and hilarious. He leaned towards Sirius confidentially and tacked on his surname as if it pained him, “Lupin.”

“Remus Lupin. Well, you weren’t kidding.”

Remus shook his head “no” as he took another massive gulp of his beer. It wasn’t until he saw the drink that Sirius remembered he was on a mission. This was about the time Remus was supposed to ask what he would be having, but no offer was made in the long pause that followed.

Sirius would just have to put in a little more effort than he'd planned. “So, what’s your story, Remus?”

“My story? I’m not sure I have one.”

“You must. What do you do? How did you end up here? All that jazz.”

“I’m a student. I moved to America when I was twelve because my father got a job here. Not much more to say than that. And you, what’s your story?”

Sirius’s usual game plan was to be dodgy or flat-out dishonest with the men he met in bars, but something about this reserved boy made him want to tell the truth.

“Well, yesterday I was one of the wealthiest gents in England and sixteenth in line for the throne.”

Remus gaped a little. “You’re not one of _those_ Blacks?”

“No, I suppose I’m not, but I was until an hour ago.”

“I thought they only had one son?”

“I’m the one we don’t speak of.”

“And with good reason, I’m sure,” Remus said playfully before giving Sirius a sorry, somewhat-awkward look. “Do you, umm...want to talk about it?”

Sirius barked a laugh. “It’s alright, darling, I’m not about to have an emotional collapse or anything.”

“Of course, I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to pry. I just thought you might want to—“

Sirius was surprised to find that he kind of did. “You seem like a decent type. I would never torture you with my sordid family history.”

“I wouldn’t mind if you did. Though I guess I should leave you alone, I’m done with my drink.”

Remus made a move as if to get up, and Sirius found himself seizing the boy and pulling him back into his seat without a moment’s thought. He didn’t think about what he was going to say until he had said it, either.

“No, stay. I’ll buy you another drink.”

Remus looked at Sirius perplexedly but allowed himself to be coaxed back onto the barstool. Something about the way his face changed made Sirius both hopeful and nervous that he had understood just how badly Sirius needed someone to talk to.

He called over the bartender, ordered them both drinks, and to his great astonishment, he just let go. Sirius was not someone who talked about his feelings, and yet here he was spilling his guts to a complete stranger at a bar. Remus, to make things even more unsettling, seemed genuinely concerned, sympathetic, and interested in what Sirius had to say. He kept responding with the right questions and Sirius just wished he wouldn’t.

“I have been pacing up and down this street for an hour waiting for you. I’ve been in at least three hundred of these poncy pubs now.”

Sirius jumped at the familiar voice and the hands on his shoulders. He turned his attention from Remus to James.

“I told you to meet me at half past six, yeah?”

“Sirius, it’s 7:45.”

He checked his watch and it confirmed James’s assertion. Then he turned his attention back to poor Remus.

“You let me rant on for two hours?”

Remus shrugged unconcernedly.

“I’ll take it the news wasn’t great?”

Sirius dropped his last twenty dollars on the counter to cover his and Remus's beers and smirked. “James, I am now officially a pauper.”

“Oh, good! Lucky me. Now I’ll be feeding both of us.”

Sirius and James shared familiar grins as Sirius got up to follow his friend out.

“Remus, it was really great talking to you. I’m sorry about, well, talking to you.”

Remus smiled and made a dismissive motion with his hand. Sirius turned reluctantly and trailed James for a few steps before turning back and making his way quickly to the bar.

“Please, please, please trust me when I say that I don’t mean this to come off how it sounds, but do you come here often?”

This time, Remus didn’t hesitate before answering like he had when Sirius first started talking to him.

“Every Wednesday,” Remus assured him.

“I’ll see you again, then,” Sirius promised before finally making his exit.

James Potter had seen a lot of weird things. Every day, he walked down streets that bore evidence of times the ground opened up and swallowed buildings. He’d spent a fair portion of his adult life studying science, trying to figure out the little things that made nature’s miracles tick. Mostly, it just made him realize how incomprehensible the world was. James had seen things that almost made him believe in magic. But never in his entire life did he think he would see _this_.

There were things about Sirius that James liked, and there were as many if not more things about Sirius that James did not like. James could inventory all of Sirius’s character flaws better than Sirius could; he’d been the primary victim of Sirius’s occasional malice since both he and Sirius were still in their nappies. But there were things about Sirius that were so great, James didn’t know how to put them into words, things that were worth the nasty comments and mood swings. And it’s not like James didn’t know why Sirius behaved the way he did, it’s not like he didn’t understand that Sirius didn’t mean to treat _him_ badly. Hell, Sirius didn’t even realize how mean he was to people half the time.

More than anything, James had always been a little sorry for Sirius. Sirius got a terrible lot in life and the way he behaved made pretty good sense considering how he was raised. Sirius hurt people before they hurt him. Sirius was the life of the party and knew how to make everyone feel special, but he would move right along unattached, nobody could get close. There were times even James was pushed away. There were things Sirius couldn’t or wouldn’t share, not even with his best friend.

James watched pretty boys filter through Sirius’s life for years, faces never once repeating, and while Sirius grinned and made jokes, James wanted to grab his friend and shake him hard. James knew that one day he was going to grow out of his and Sirius's bachelor lifestyle. He would always be Sirius’s friend, and he couldn’t see them growing apart, but he couldn’t always be in the same apartment babysitting Sirius and making sure it wasn’t all getting to be too much. He couldn’t even do the job properly while he was there. That was a lover’s job, but that was the whole problem. Sirius Black would never let himself fall in love. It was one of the cardinal rules James had been forced to bitterly accept as he grew up, and it broke his heart the day he realized it wasn’t changing.

But now it was changing. And it was changing fast. For the last six weeks, Sirius had been sneaking off to the same pub to meet the same bloke every Wednesday. Sirius’s attempts to play it cool fooled James for less than a second because he knew Sirius and he knew the unfamiliar way he was behaving and what it meant.

The first few weeks, Sirius tried making excuses. There was a conversation last week that he wanted to finish off, or he just forgot to mention something that he thought Remus might find interesting. By week five, Sirius just stopped saying where he was going, acted as if it was perfectly normal. But of course, it wasn’t, and while James was happy to see his friend falling, he was a little worried, too. It was just too weird to trust. James’s only memory of the guy that his friend was so suddenly enraptured with was unremarkable—Remus wasn’t unattractive, but James had been a little surprised to see Sirius paying him so much attention. When Sirius started making excuses to go see him again, James had taken them as euphemisms for “he gave me the best blowjob of my life in the bathroom last week” or some Sirius-appropriate logic like that. But when James tried asking, he didn’t get the cocky grin and obscene details, he got a shrug and what he almost suspected was a blush. And that’s when it clicked for James, when he realized that they hadn’t had meaningless sex yet. Because they hadn’t had any sex at all. They’d honestly been sitting at a bar talking for six weeks. Sirius Black was talking. To a boy. Who he had feelings for. James nearly had a heart attack.

Remus Lupin was a little confused by it all, but that didn't mean he was complaining. Sirius was a fascinating person and for some reason, he found Remus fascinating, too. As much as he hated to say it, his weeks hinged on those stupid, rambling conversations he and Sirius shared at The Leaky Cauldron every Wednesday.

It was the perfect situation. He and Sirius could get close and tell each other whatever they felt like telling, and Remus didn't have to feel threatened. It would be impossible to pretend that he wasn't falling for Sirius, but that didn't matter. A long time ago, Remus accepted that romance was no longer an option for him. The important thing was that Sirius not fall for him, which shouldn't have been an issue at all considering how completely out of his league Sirius was, but Remus would have still felt uncomfortable if it hadn't been for James. Sirius had a boyfriend who was gorgeous and from what Sirius told him, warm and brilliant, and always there for him. He had no reason to want Remus, and that's how Remus wanted, or rather needed, it to be.

There was, of course, a part of Remus's heart that had to wonder: had he met Sirius a few years earlier and if Sirius didn’t have James, could it have turned to more? He was sure he was imagining it, but there was a spark he couldn't help feeling between them, there was something unnatural and lovely about how well the two men clicked. Sometimes he could have sworn Sirius was flirting or looking at him in a not-quite-friendly way. Remus battled between hating the idea and cherishing it—there was something ugly inside of him that desperately wanted Sirius to feel the same way about him that he felt for Sirius and he couldn't reason it away.

Remus was a little late getting to the pub this week and by the time he arrived, Sirius looked more nervous than Remus had ever seen him. Remus didn't know of anything that should have made Sirius so nervous, so his instinct was to panic. At first, it was for Sirius's sake, but he realized that was kind of ridiculous—there was really nothing worse his parents could do that they hadn't already done to him. Remus's heart dropped a little…if it wasn't Sirius's problems making him so nervous, then it probably had something to do with this. With him. He was prepared to play it cool if Sirius was going to break off their friendship (or whatever it was called when you randomly ranted at a semi-stranger in a pub every week) but in all honesty, it was about the worst thing he could imagine.

"Hey, you alright?" Remus asked, immediately taking a seat next to Sirius. There was already a Blue Moon waiting for him at the bar, just like there had been for the past four weeks. It was a little surreal.

"Fine, I'm fine. Why shouldn't I be fine? Because I am."

Remus gave Sirius a knowing look. Sirius huffed a bit and ran a hand through his shaggy hair.

"How do you always do that?"

"I'm a mindreader," Remus confessed flatly. "Also, your body language screams either 'nervous wreck' or 'man, I need to take a piss'. If it's the latter, don't torture yourself on my behalf, the restrooms are just around the corner."

"Alright, I was going to wait to do this but I hate not knowing things, and since you asked, I'm just going to throw it right out."

Remus swallowed hard and nodded, bracing himself for the inevitable. He wasn't sure what he could have done to make Sirius so uncomfortable, and his stomach clenched awkwardly at the only explanation he could find. _He knows,_ a little voice in his head told him. _And he's terrified of you._

"I was wondering if you'd like to hang out sometime this week. As in, other than on Wednesday in an empty bar. You don't have to or anything. I just really enjoy talking to you, and I thought maybe we could, I don't know, be actual friends and not just two losers drowning their woes."

Remus snorted, not because what Sirius said was particularly funny but because it was probably the greatest thing he'd heard in months. He wasn't really ashamed of the flare of excitement bouncing around, making his insides warm. So he was acting like an infatuated school boy, so what? He liked Sirius; it was the first time he'd genuinely liked a man in years and probably the most he'd liked a man ever. And even if it couldn't go where Remus wanted, now he knew he wasn't the only one who wanted it to go somewhere.

"I...uhh..."

"You don't have to or anything. I mean, I get it. This works for us and all. But James and I always watch the game Sunday night and I guess I figured it was worth inviting you along."

"I'd really like to, but I don't think I can."

Sirius looked stung for about two seconds before his grey eyes went stony and his voice turned cold and snappy.

"Yeah, oh well, it happens."

Remus bit his lip. He knew Sirius better than he should have considering how limited their interaction had been and it was crystal clear that Sirius was going to cut him off, just like Remus had feared, and now it would actually be his fault.

"I mean, I can't unless—"

"Unless?" Sirius jumped in, his eyes shining like Christmas.

"Unless I can bring a friend along? My roommate and I, we always spend Sunday nights together and I would feel awful if I cancelled one of our dinners without at least inviting her along."

Sirius looked a little iffy but he smiled charmingly. "The more, the merrier."

Remus left the pub with Sirius's phone number burning in his pocket and plans that had him smiling idiotically all the way home. The only problem would be convincing Lily. Remus knew she would not be as keen on spending her Sunday night watching football with a bunch of men as he was, but that wasn't what made him nervous. He knew that Lily was going to take one look at him and size him up and he could hear the lecture she would give word-for-word. It was for the better, and Remus knew that. Nothing Lily was going to yell at him would be inaccurate, but Remus would ignore her logic and silently beg for her to agree. Poor Lily would break despite both of their better judgments, and whatever mess was brewing would be allowed to move forward.

Things had gone exactly as Remus had assumed they would and the next few days passed by agonizingly slow. Remus was in a constant state of nervous excitement, and no matter how many times he tried to remind himself that it was not a date, the need to impress only got worse.

Finally, it was Sunday and Remus made his way to James and Sirius's flat with a grudging Lily by his side. The evening had been hard to call as a success or a failure so far. On the plus side, Sirius sat next to him and paid him nearly exclusive attention the entire night. Next to him, however, was Lily—bored by the game and frustrated by the conversation.

"I didn't forsake having a sex life and become a fag hag to hear a bunch of butch gays make obscene jokes and watch sports," she had snapped at Remus on the way over and it was clear from the sour expression on her face that she still felt similarly two hours later. In Lily's defense, she wasn't entirely wrong—while he and Sirius were hitting it off, James was attempting to talk to Lily almost as if he was making a move on her, and Remus could read confusion and exasperation on her lovely stone features.

The game was boring. Their team was winning by such strides that it wasn't even rewarding to see them score any more, and the only person who still seemed to even remotely care what happened on the screen was James.

"I'm going out for a smoke," Sirius finally announced. "Anyone in?"

"If you're going to kill yourself, you can do it alone, mate," James replied and for the first time all night, Lily made an approving sound.

"I'll come," Remus said, figuring someone should keep Sirius company.

"You don't smoke," Lily said sharply, giving Remus a look that listed far better reasons for him not to follow Sirius outside.

"It's a nice night," Remus replied as if he didn’t understand her. "I'd like some air."

Lily gave him a cold glance and Remus tried to look reassuring. James waved in their direction, his eyes fixed on the screen.

"So this is a dismal failure," Sirius laughed as they walked side-by-side down the street.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know if you noticed, but your friend, the Ice Queen, would rather be dead than where she is right now."

Remus did his best not to confirm Sirius's suspicions, but he couldn't very well lie about it. "Come now, don't talk about her like that! That's my future wife."

"Well, your future wife seems to think I'm possessed by unholy spirits."

"She may be on to something."

Sirius hit Remus lightly on the arm.

"James is very nice, when he's not too mesmerized by football to acknowledge the outside world."

"He likes you, I can tell."

Remus's stomach clenched a little in jealousy. He longed for something like what Sirius and James shared, something so intimate Sirius could gauge how James was feeling even though he'd said perhaps a collective twenty words to Remus all night.

"I like you, too," Sirius suddenly said heavily. "A lot."

"Oh. I, umm, I like you a lot, too."

"Good," Sirius quickly replied and before Remus knew what was happening, he was pressed against the wall of a building, Sirius's lips crushing against his. Remus pulled away from Sirius in shock.

"What are you doing?!"

Sirius blinked at him a few times. "I thought...I was sure you...don't you?"

"What about James?"

"What about James?" Sirius echoed, arching an eyebrow.

"Aren't you two—?"

The laugh Sirius responded with was nearly a snort. "Goodness, man, James is straight. Couldn't you tell? He's been hitting on Lily all night."

"I thought he was being ironic."

"James wouldn’t know ironic if it landed on his head. We're not together."

"I thought you were. I was sure, that's why I acted the way I did."

"I was wondering about that." Sirius paused to give Remus a loaded look. "I want to be with you...and I knew it wasn't just me."

Sirius moved in again and it took everything Remus had to force him back.

"Sirius, I'm positive," Remus said quickly.

Sirius froze, his mouth hanging open, but Remus could tell he knew what it meant. Remus pulled away from him, too cowardly to wait for Sirius’s reaction, and walked briskly back to the apartment, grabbing Lily and leaving before Sirius could catch up with him. He didn’t see Sirius again for weeks.

Lily Evans was a deeply misunderstood person. She wasn’t a succubus and she didn’t want Remus to be miserable. She was maybe a little overprotective, but anyone would have been, considering the circumstances.

She was the one who found it, and even though it was illogical, she felt partly responsible. They had been joking around; Remus was at the lab with her playing test subject while she studied for a nursing exam. She checked his blood for everything under the sun. None of it was actually supposed to be there. But something was there, the worst something she could think of, and after running the test herself five times and asking a doctor to double check her work, it was Lily who had to tell her best friend that he was HIV positive. 

The good news was that they found it early, which meant they could keep Remus healthier longer. But Lily would never be able to shake that awful feeling, like if she hadn’t checked, it wouldn’t have been there.

Two years later, Lily had spent enough time working with AIDS patients to recognize the signs in Remus, even though he was still pretty healthy. She knew how things were going to go. It haunted her every day, and she made it her business to look after Remus, to keep him as happy and healthy as she could.

This sometimes meant being the bad guy. Yes, Remus liked Sirius, and he was pretty upset by the way things had gone, but Lily had to make sure he understood. Sirius was bad news. He was exactly the kind of boy Remus used to run around with, the kind of boy Remus used to be. Sirius was handsome and fun and you could take one look at him and tell he was not the kind of man who stayed around when things got heavy. Sirius was the kind of boy who had gotten Remus in trouble to begin with.

It upset Lily to see Remus still down about walking away from Sirius without waiting for a response, but she knew it was for the best. She hadn’t liked the situation from the start, but she gave it a chance because it meant a lot to her friend. Because he promised Sirius wasn’t interested in him that way, and if they were just friends, Sirius couldn’t hurt him as much. He couldn't hurt Sirius. But things had gone exactly how she’d feared. Boys like Sirius only thought about one thing. Now that he knew he couldn’t have that, Sirius had probably forgotten about Remus weeks ago, and poor Remus had still gotten hurt. Less hurt than he could have; Lily was just glad the mess had blown over before everyone had been much more invested than they were.

In Sirius’s defense, he had tried calling for days after it had happened. Lily told him several times not to call back, and finally he did stop. The calls made her question if she’d read Sirius wrong, but it didn’t really matter if she had. Remus couldn’t just be friends with Sirius. She’d seen it for weeks in the way his expression changed when he came home from their get-togethers, and the only thing that could come out of their friendship was more pain. No, it was better that it ended how it did.

Except that it hadn’t really ended. Because here Lily was, trying to enjoy her lunch break in the park on a lovely autumn day, and all of a sudden she was being bombarded by some crazy man she hardly knew. She’d hadn’t even recognized him—she’d spent most of that night avoiding looking at anything but the television, but apparently he’d looked at her enough to pick her out of all the people in San Francisco to confront.

According to James, she and Remus were both gigantic prats. She had no right, he informed her, to get involved in the situation (something James was clearly not doing) and he knew it was her fault that Remus was not talking to Sirius.

Lily arched an eyebrow at his attack and calmly took a bite out of her sandwich, making it very plain to James that she was not going to give him the time of day, but James did not relent.

"Are you listening to me? I don't think you have any idea what Sirius has been like—"

"Sirius can go fuck himself," Lily said politely. "As can you."

The old woman sitting next to Lily made a shocked face, got up, and walked to the next bench down the path. To Lily's horror, James invited himself to fill the seat.

"Look, you've got to listen to me."

"I don't have to do anything for you, or for your friend. I have much more important things to worry about, like my friend, who is sick, and who doesn't need the stress you jerks are giving him."

"Lily, please, just listen, okay? I have been friends with Sirius my entire life and you know what? You're right. He's a jerk. We're both jerks. But you're a jerk, too. That aside, you have to help me out, because Remus is not a jerk and...and Sirius...he wasn't as bad when he was seeing Remus. He was different, happier, and I bet Remus was happier, too."

"It doesn't matter," Lily said softening her tone but still remaining distant. "Remus has gotten hurt, a lot, and I'm not going to let him get hurt anymore. It's not like they can be together, and I know Remus better than to pretend that isn't going to make him miserable. Remus understands and eventually, your friend will, too. Now please leave me alone."

"No."

"You must be joking. I told you, I'm not going to help you and that's final."

"You are going to help me. You're trying to protect your friend and I get that. But I'm trying to help my friend, too, and I've yet to meet anyone more stubborn than I am. You should really give up now. This doesn't have to be a bad thing, Lily. I've never seen Sirius care this much about anything. Please, if you knew him...you have to help. Just tell me where Sirius can find Remus and I'll leave you alone."

Lily didn't like James, but the way his voice changed when he talked about Sirius was too much to hold out against. Deep down, Lily really was a nice person, and even if James was a prick, she could tell he cared deeply about Sirius, maybe as much as she cared about Remus. She bit her lip hesitantly and James tried to make pleading eyes through his thick glasses.

"Alright, but if he hurts Remus, I will tear you both to shreds." James nodded seriously and, God forgive her, she told him where to go.

“Uh, hi.”

Okay, it wasn’t exactly the bold shout-it-from-the-mountain-tops reunion Sirius had been planning in his head for two days, but it was something. Remus didn’t seem upset to see him, at least, even if his greeting was a bit subdued.

“We need to talk.”

Remus looked around, then back to Sirius. “How did you even know I would be here?”

“My friends are better than your friends. Checkmate. So are you going to let me buy you a drink?”

“I really wish you wouldn’t.”

Sirius grinned. “Fine by me. You're paying, then?”

“You’re insufferable.”

“You adore me.”

Remus shifted uncomfortably. “Really, you shouldn’t be here.”

“But I am, now let’s go.”

Sirius was a spoiled brat, and by now Remus must have known that, because he gave up fighting. It was for the better, really. Sirius was a nervous wreck and the last thing he needed was to spend all of his energy fighting just to get Remus to the bar.

The really great thing about being around Remus was that as soon as Sirius started talking to him, the conversation just flowed and he forgot to be nervous. By the end of the night, neither of them was still awkward about what had happened, Remus had agreed to see Sirius again, and Sirius had finally been able to repay Remus for all of the days he sat and listened to Sirius’s long-winded family troubles. Remus had been so warm and friendly before, but always guarded, never told Sirius about himself.

Finally, Sirius felt as if he was getting to know the man he’d been so smitten with as well as Remus had gotten to know him. He knew what he was supposed to be thinking, he was supposed to be backing off. Staying close, because Remus needed someone and he'd been there when Sirius needed someone. But not wanting him. Sirius did, though, more than ever before, and Sirius was determined to get his way this time if never again.

The next week, Sirius began his crusade to woo Remus Lupin. His first move, a risky one, was to meet Remus where he’d met him the week before, only before the meeting instead of after it.

“You know that you’re going to be waiting out here for hours, right?”

“Au contraire, my sweet, I’m going with you.”

“You can’t, Sirius. You’re not sick.”

“I’m crashing.”

Remus stared at him for a few moments in disbelief before finally explaining, in very small words, what was wrong with this plan. “You cannot crash a life support meeting. It’s unethical.”

Sirius’s smile only widened. “I will have to be physically removed from the building.”

“I hate knowing you.”

The week before, Remus had told Sirius all about his Wednesday meetings, the people who came to them and how they were run, so he felt like he already knew everyone as soon as he walked in. He also knew exactly who he had to butter up.

“Who are you?” the stern old woman asked as soon as he approached her. Remus had told Sirius about the group leader, Minerva McGonagall, and her propensity to murder men with her eyes, but nothing had prepared him for the real thing.

“I’m Sirius Black. I’m here to join the group.”

“No, he’s not, really, he’s not positive. I couldn’t get him to leave.”

Minerva turned her attention to Remus, who cringed a bit, and then back to Sirius. 

“Only HIV and AIDS patients can join the group.”

Sirius batted his eyes charmingly and smiled wide. “Yes, I understand and respect that. Only HIV and AIDS patients…and Sirius Black.”

Minerva’s eyes narrowed. “You’re nothing but trouble, Lupin. You can stay, Black, but I don’t like you.”

She walked off to help other group members to their seats and Remus turned to Sirius in shock.

“You charmed her? I don’t think she’s ever been charmed by a man in her life.”

“I defy sexual preferences, darling. Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friends?”

Sirius had, of course, been a hit, because Sirius knew how to get people to like him, even if he was an insufferable prat. And Remus, Remus had been different after that, warmer. They went to the same bar they’d met in to grab a beer like they’d done before, and they’d lost track of time and drinks. By the time they were saying their goodnights, Sirius had let Remus get a little more drunk than he probably should have (how could he help it when Remus was being so affectionate?) and Sirius insisted he help Remus get home.

Remus had tried, during the fifteen minute ride to his apartment, to kiss Sirius a total of five times. When he didn’t realize what he was doing and pull back, Sirius stopped him, because that wasn’t the right way for it to happen. But it gave him hope; it meant that Remus wanted him and that some part of him understood how futile it was to try to pretend what they had didn’t exist. When they finally got to the building, Sirius followed Remus upstairs (because Remus probably couldn’t have made his way up them on his own).

“Lily can help me into bed, you should go.”

“She’s asleep. Shh, let me help you, okay?”

“No. ’Sa bad idea.” Remus shook his head a little perplexedly.

Sirius helped Remus out of his jacket anyway, and Remus followed his lead absently. Once he was in bed and Sirius made a move to go, Remus reached out and tugged him closer.

“I’m scared,” Remus said unexpectedly.

“Don’t be, I’m right here. You’re going to be fine.” Sirius sat on the other side of the bed and gave Remus’s arm a reassuring squeeze. “I’ll be right here.”

“Go, you have to go.”

“I’ll leave as soon as you fall asleep,” Sirius promised. Within minutes, Remus was out, and Sirius was not going anywhere.

Two days after her run in with James, Remus got home looking like the cat that got the canary and guiltily dodged her question when she asked what had him in such a good mood. Of course, she knew that Sirius had shown up after his meeting and probably convinced him to go have a drink, because it was her fault he knew about the meetings at all, but she also understood why he didn’t think it was a good thing to tell her about.

As much as Lily wanted to be the logical one, she didn’t feel guilty. Her brain told her that this was going to be a disaster, but the little smile Remus kept trying to smooth out was the most genuine happiness she’d seen from him in years, maybe ever. Remus had never been particularly happy, not even when he was living one big party. That hadn’t been Remus at all, just his way of lashing out against what he thought he was stuck with.

In all honesty, aside from the gloomy resigned air he’d taken on, Remus had always seemed happier since he got sick. He’d spent his entire life trying to be exactly what his parents expected, going pre-med just because his father wanted him to, even though he hated it. Not that his father had pressured him, he’d just never thought to stop and question what Remus wanted, and Remus never got up the nerve to tell him. So Remus had taken to going out too often, drinking too often, and sleeping around. Remus’s father had confessed to Lily that he thought Remus’s illness was his fault, but really, it wasn’t the kind of thing that needed blame assigned. Nobody had known something so awful could hit so suddenly; Remus would have found a safer way to rebel if HIV had been an issue when he had started acting that way.

When he found out that he had to stop being promiscuous, Lily knew that wasn’t what Remus was going to miss. He regretted being irresponsible because he hadn’t even really enjoyed it. He stopped the heavy drinking, and he solemnly accepted that no matter how many romantic books he read, he was probably never going to fall in love. However, he’d made changes to his life that made him happier, too. He dropped pre-med and buried himself in books so much that he’d gotten a scholarship for his masters in English (a useless degree, according to Remus, but what did it matter if he wasn’t going to get a chance to use it?). His life was calmer...boring to some, but comfortable enough for Remus. Nothing new ever happened, nothing ever would. Not until Sirius.

When the following Wednesday came along, Lily didn’t see Remus all night. She assumed he was going to go out for a drink with Sirius and when it started to get late and he still didn’t come home, she swallowed the lump in her throat and reminded herself that Remus was a full grown man, capable of making his own decisions. She was terrified, but short of filing a missing person’s report, there was nothing she could do. It was a testament to her emotional growth that she managed to restrain herself from doing anything that crazy—James had gotten to her. Everything he’d said about her being too involved in Remus’s life was true. She’d been traumatized when Remus got sick, and it changed the person she was as well as the person Remus was. So even though she refused to give James credit for the good advice, she decided to take it and calmly went to bed.

Early the next morning, she awoke from uncomfortable, fitful sleep and decided it would be best to check in on Remus, just to make sure he was home. When she opened the door to his room, Remus was safely tucked into bed, sleeping with a peaceful air she hadn’t expected from him. On the other side of the bed, lying over the covers and still in his street clothes, was Sirius. Lily wanted it to look wrong, as if Sirius wasn’t supposed to be there, but it didn’t.

The man suddenly stirred a bit and Lily realized she’d let the light from the hallway shine right into his face. He sat up sleepily, looking confused for a moment, then looked over at Remus and smiled. He turned his attention back to Lily, laid a finger over his lips to tell her to be quiet and slowly got out of bed.

“Don’t tell him I was here,” he instructed her as he passed by her in a rush to get out of the apartment. “I promised I would leave as soon as he fell asleep.”

“Why didn’t you?” Lily asked coldly.

“He didn’t want me to,” Sirius replied, a paradoxical mix of smug and tender shaping his smile. “I never got a chance to thank you, by the way. James told me that you…So thank you.”

Lily didn’t know how to respond, and before she could get a chance to, Sirius had walked past her and back into the city. Lily was surprised to find she wished he hadn’t.

The first shock of the next day had been that Lily hadn’t killed him on sight when she found him at the apartment. Sirius had rushed out before she regained her composure and murdered him. Once he’d gotten to his and James’s flat, James was already at work and Sirius decided to catch up on sleep. He woke up a few hours later to the phone ringing. The Remus on the other end sounded as though he felt about as rotten as Sirius would have expected considering the number of drinks he’d consumed, but he was in a pretty good mood regardless. He asked to meet up and Sirius had eagerly agreed.

They saw each other nearly every day for a month. Sirius went to all of Remus’s meetings and had already become an integral part of the group. Slowly but surely, it was blossoming into what Sirius needed it to be. He knew he couldn’t rush it, knew that Remus wouldn’t be able to jump right into a relationship, but the fears he’d had that Remus wouldn’t allow it to happen at all were gone. When finally Remus agreed to get romantic, he’d conceded on the condition that Sirius promise not to fall in love with him. Finally, Sirius could kiss Remus as much as he wanted and by the end of their third month actually being together, Sirius finally felt as if Remus was ready for more.

“Why are you looking at me like that, Sirius?”

“Like what?" Sirius asked sheepishly, stretching out on the couch where he and Remus had tangled together with Chinese delivery and watched television all night.

“Like I’m one of your meat dumplings.”

“Because you ate all of my meat dumplings _and now I’m starved._ ”

“I had two, out of eight.”

“It doesn’t matter how many. The result is still the same. I miss my dumplings, dumpling.”

“Please, never again.” Remus chuckled as Sirius leaned in for a kiss. A very long kiss. With some groping involved.

“You taste like soy sauce,” Remus finally said, breaking the kiss and attempting to break the tension.

“ _Remus_ ,” Sirius whined.

“It’s better if we don’t. Sirius, I know that you need—you know, urges and all that. It’s okay if you have to find someone every now and then. I just want you to be safe.”

“We can be safe.”

“Not safe enough.”

“Being safe with a stranger is just as dangerous, Remus. The only difference is I wouldn’t _want_ it from anyone else. Not like I want you.”

“Sirius, please, you have no idea how hard it is to say ‘no’ to you.”

"Actually, knowing how hard it is for other people to say no to me has gotten me most of what I have in life." Sirius grinned at Remus's unimpressed expression until finally he let out a sigh of defeat. "So don’t then."

“I could get you sick. I could kill you. Do you have any idea how much I would hate myself if I gave you what I have?”

“I want to be with you. I want to be with you in every single way, and I’m willing to risk it. And before you start, because I can already see the little wheels in your brain turning, I’m not suicidal, I do know what I’m saying, and of course I don’t want to catch it. But I could die anytime. I could slip on drapery and break my head open tomorrow. I don’t want to be healthy if it means not taking any risks. And being with you is worth the risk.”

Remus looked down at his lap sadly.

“I shouldn’t have ever let this happen,” he muttered.

“Well, you did. And it’s the best thing that ever happened to me, so you can’t take it back.” Sirius lifted Remus’s chin until their eyes met. “Please, please, please. I want you so much it hurts. Just stop thinking about everything too much for once in your life.”

Remus still said ‘no’, which was exactly what Sirius had expected, but he’d sown the first seeds. A lot of the men in Remus’s life support group had negative partners, so Sirius had them talk to Remus over the next week. He knew how scary it would be for Remus to be intimate with someone again, but he also knew how much they both wanted it, how much they needed it, and Sirius could be very persuasive. When Remus finally gave in, Sirius knew it was going to be the best thing he would ever experience in his life. He’d had a lot of sex, but he’d never made love before. Even if they weren’t saying it, what he had with Remus was love. Sirius was sure nobody else would ever be able to satisfy him again. Sirius was kind of surprised that he was perfectly okay with that.

Over the past six months, Remus, Sirius, James, and Lily had become one big happy family. Sort of. Lily still insisted she hated James and Sirius (and that insufferable mutt, too, as she would refer to Sirius’s enormous black dog, Padfoot), but her snarky banter with them didn’t really differ all that much from the nagging mother she was to Remus.

James, for reasons entirely incomprehensible to Remus based on the way she treated him, had decided that he and Lily were destined to be together. He would carefully find a way to turn every comment he made towards her into a lame attempt at romance, a skeevy come-on, or a marriage proposal (James was diligent about making sure to propose at least once a day in case Lily had a sudden change of heart). Poor James usually ended with something being thrown at him, and he had several bruises to show for his attempts at courting but Remus secretly thought (and hoped) that Lily was not as opposed to James as she liked to pretend. Eventually he was bound to get through to her, because he was not giving up. That, or Lily would do what Remus had always feared she was bound to do at some point in her life and he would be forced to help her hide the body.

Sirius and James came in at around 10 a.m. grinning as if they’d just finished twelve cups of coffee. Sirius had dressed in his usual mildly-flamboyant style but had made up for his own casual attire by overdressing both of his “boys.” Padfoot was on his left, a rainbow leash and a rainbow scarf popping against his thick black fur and James…

“Does your shirt say ‘FAG STAG’?” Remus asked wondering where a shirt like that even came from.

“It does!” James said energetically. “Sirius made it.”

_Of course he did,_ Remus thought fondly.

“And I’ll take it that is exactly what it sounds like?”

“Yes, sir. Like a fag hag, only with a penis,” James grinned proudly.

“What are you talking about? I have eight penises,” Lily informed them from the doorway to her room. The three men turned their attention towards her voice and it took everything Remus had not to smack his palm into his forehead.

“I guess we don’t actually need to go to the gay pride parade,” Sirius said. “She kind of _is_ the parade, eh?”

“Oh, don’t exaggerate,” Lily said, thought her smile proudly agreed with Sirius’s assessment. It was obvious that she had put a lot of thought into being as gay as was humanly possible while still being straight.

“And where exactly does one buy a full length sequined rainbow print dress with matching rainbow platforms? And, dear god, she sparkles. She has covered herself in rainbow body glitter. I am not going outside with that.” Remus threw his hands in the air dramatically.

“I made it myself, sweetheart. It took _hours_ , not to mention finding the shoes, so you will go outside with it, and you will like it.”

“Fuck this. I'm being out-gayed by a breeder? Next year, Remus, we’re both dressing in drag.”

“I was normal once,” Remus informed them without much conviction.

“Will you marry me?” James finally asked after several minutes of ogling.

“Never, but I like your shirt.”

“She likes my shirt!” James all but squealed.

Remus, Lily, and Sirius shared a “he is so embarrassing” look and the four made their way to the parade. It had been a perfect day and not just because of the half-naked men and the flawless weather. About ten minutes into the parade, Lily had decided they were as interesting as anything else in the procession, so she forced the boys to follow her into the line-up. They’d spent the day marauding through San Francisco, singing show tunes (an activity that only Sirius and Lily were truly good at), dancing with drag queens, and generally scandalizing the tourist groups they passed.

The day had ended with the group of friends sharing pizza and beers at Lily’s favorite pizzeria, a choice she’d gotten to make for having been single-handedly responsible for “the greatest day ever.” At least that was the justification she had given for her getting to choose dinner, and really, nobody was disagreeing. It had been a splendid time, but of course, a day couldn’t pass that perfectly without something going wrong.

When Remus found out he was infected, Lily had been dating a boy she’d known for pretty much her entire life. Remus had never liked Severus, and the feeling had been mutual, but Lily did, so Remus had always been civil. Severus didn’t have the most open-minded upbringing in the world and Remus had never been a spiteful person. He could take a few gay jabs. But when Severus found out he was positive, he had informed Lily, as if Remus hadn’t been standing there, that she would have to say goodbye to Remus, because he was contagious.

The virus was so new then, and Remus knew that most people were as terrified of it as he was. They didn’t really know all of the ways it spread, and people tended to panic when they didn’t understand something. It wasn’t the last time Remus would hear something like that, but it had been the first. It had hurt Remus, even though Lily told Severus where to stick it, even though she never seemed sorry about cutting off their relationship.

Severus was the reason Remus had pulled so far back from people, a problem he was only starting to recover from, and only because of Sirius. Severus was the reason he hadn’t told anyone he hadn’t had to that he was infected, the reason he’d tried not to tell Sirius. And now, on Remus’s perfect day, the thick, judgmental voice broke into their conversation, and Remus found himself instinctively burying himself in Sirius’s shoulder for comfort.

The table went silent when James and Sirius saw Remus and Lily’s reactions to hearing him say her name in a surprised, almost sad way. It didn’t stay silent for long.

Everybody has things in their past that they regret. Lily was no exception. She didn’t really know what exactly it was about Severus she regretted—he had been good to her when they were young and she always felt like she could have helped him more than she had. He was not a bad person. But he was not a person she ever needed to see again.

“Lily, is that you?”

“Oh, hello, Sev. Yes, it’s me,” she replied awkwardly, her eyes focusing on Remus to make sure he was alright.

“I’ve missed you. How are things?”

“Fine, thanks,” she said giving him a bitter smile and attempting to end the conversation.

“You look, umm, colorful. But very pretty. We should get together sometime.”

“You know, I really don’t think that’s a very good idea.”

Severus looked hurt and then turned his attention on the rest of the table, his eyes cold.

“Ah, glad to see you're not dead yet, Lupin,” he sniped.

Sirius growled and Remus gave him a calming pat.

“And what the bollocks do you mean by that?” James asked hotly, rising from his seat. Lily was pretty sure Sirius would know all about Severus by now, so James was the only person at the table who hadn’t been prepared.

“Not that it’s any of your business, whoever you may be.”

“I’ll make it my business, prick. If you have something to say about Remus, you can fuck off and not bother saying it right now. Or you’ll regret it.”

She was a little tense over the impending eruption if James let his hot head guide him—Lily didn’t like fights. But James had instinctively jumped up in Remus’s defense, and her heart did a tiny flip despite her.

Severus looked at James’s athletic build and took a step back, but Lily knew that he wasn’t about to walk away from her that easily.

“I see your taste in company still leaves something to be desired. That’s a shame, Lily. I really do miss what we had.”

James lunged forward, but Lily grabbed his hand and tangled her fingers in it before he could strike. The calming effect was immediate. James paused and turned to look at her, his eyes wide.

“Don’t, James. He isn’t worth it. Severus is just jealous.” She pulled him back into the booth and he followed blindly. Then she turned her face up towards her ex. “You should really leave.”

Severus looked so sad that Lily almost felt bad for him, but he quickly turned on his feet and scurried away. After the confrontation, the cheery conversation died and the four of them made their way back to Lily and Remus’s apartment in gloomy silence.

“I’m making tea,” Lily said the moment they got inside. “Tea will make everything better.”

“That woman is more British than all of us, and she’s the only American here. Even Padfoot is a real Brit.” Lily overheard Sirius say in an attempt to cheer the mood.

“Lily has a tendency towards Stockholm syndrome,” Remus replied. She could practically hear him trying to shake the glitter she’d dumped on him out of his hair.

“Shit,” James said heavily. Lily stopped what she was doing and went to the door to see what was wrong.

“What now?” Sirius asked, drifting over to where James sat. He was holding a copy of the London newspaper, The Daily Prophet, which he used to keep up with his family back home. The Potters were nearly as famous as the Blacks, but unlike Sirius’s family, James’s family was reported on for all the good they tried to do. Half of James’s family was in Parliament and the other half were philanthropists or high society women who spent millions of dollars a year throwing fundraisers for charity. Lily worried that if James was upset by something in the paper, it could mean his family was in trouble.

“The hits just keep coming!” Sirius growled but his angry tone couldn’t hide something more vulnerable. “He was a little shit, but he certainly didn’t deserve _that_. Looks pretty fucking pleased with himself, though, doesn’t he? And look, he made the rat his best man. How nice for them. I’m going for a smoke.”

“Sirius,” James tried, but Remus just came up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder. James looked at Remus and the two men seemed to have an entire unspoken conversation in the time it took Sirius to reach the door and slam it behind him.

“You’re right,” James said with a nod. “It has to be you. I’ll, umm, find somewhere else to stay tonight.”

Remus hesitated, giving Lily a quick glance to make sure she understood what he was going to do, and that she was okay with it. They still hadn’t had sex, but Remus was going to change that. She’d wanted to tell Remus months ago to stop being paranoid and just be with Sirius, but she had restrained herself, reasoning that being less involved in Remus’s life meant not telling him what to do, even when it was what he wanted. Remus quite understandably was not ready to take that step immediately, but tonight, both Sirius and Remus had been hurt, and they both needed something to hold on to.

“You can stay in Remus’s room,” Lily offered warmly. Remus smiled softly and quickly left the apartment. James sighed and Lily disappeared into the kitchen, awkwardly finishing the tea and trying not to think that it was the first time they were alone together since the ambush on her lunch break all those months ago, and she was actually worried she wouldn’t know what to say to him.

“Thanks,” James said genuinely as she set the tea down by his side and sat next to him with her own mug.

“What was that about?” Lily asked, suddenly remembering that she still didn’t know what had upset Sirius so much.

“Sirius’s brother just married his ex-fiancée.”

“That sounds like something out of daytime television. Why is Sirius so upset? He wasn’t exactly going to marry her.”

“You don’t know about Sirius’s family, do you?”

Lily shrugged. “No, I guess I don’t. I mean, I know _of_ them, of course.”

“They were awful, Lily, really, really awful. I couldn’t imagine what it was like for him. My family practically adopted him when we were still kids. He never wanted to be home.”

“Were they abusive?”

“No, not quite. Nt physically, at least. They were…well, you see the kinds of things they support, yeah? Conservative, too conservative. Too rich, too self-important, too bigoted. They raised Sirius and his brother to be just like them, basically brainwashed them, and somehow, Sirius always knew it was wrong. He went along with it most of the time, did what they expected in public and all that. His mother was especially awful and she acted like Sirius had to be a certain way because he was the oldest, because he was going to have to carry on the legacy. If he ever did anything he wanted, she tore him a new one and he took it, because he figured if he didn’t disappoint her, his little brother could be whatever he wanted. He and Regulus were close, he meant the world to Sirius.”

“That sounds like Sirius.”

“You mean because of how he is with Remus?”

Lily nodded.

“Not after what happened with them. He was a wreck. You think he’s a bit of a prat now, he was terrible afterwards. All rebellion, all disillusion. His brother betrayed him, and Sirius didn’t know how to cope with that. So he cut everyone off, he even tried to cut me off, but I gave him a few choice words. Honestly, he was a completely different animal until he met Remus. Remus just, I don’t know. It’s like he’s finally the Sirius he was always supposed to be. I always tried to keep that Sirius alive, but I couldn’t do it, I didn’t understand him enough. I got why he was the way he was, but I never knew how to deal with it, you know? Remus, he’s been there, I haven’t. They’ve both had so much to deal with, and they’re the only ones who get that.”

“What happened?”

“Well, good son Sirius got engaged to one of the wealthiest girls in our circle, Bellatrix Lestrange. She was rotten. Sirius despised her, but she was who he was supposed to marry his entire life according to his mother. Anyway, Sirius had his fiancée in front of the cameras, but he was still Sirius. He had plenty of boys on the side. We had a friend, Peter, who was not up to Sirius’s standards, I guess you could say. I’m not defending either of them, but Sirius treated Bella and Peter pretty badly. Peter was a decent bloke, he was just weak and Bella, she was a beautiful girl and damn manipulative. I guess she figured out that he wasn’t exactly faithful—she did love Sirius in her own weird, twisted way. Or who he was supposed to be, at least. So she went to Peter and used her feminine wiles on him, and he spilled. He’d always disapproved of Sirius’s cheating, even if he was too cowardly to say so. Bellatrix was furious, as you can imagine, and immediately went to Mum and Daddy Black and told them their son was _a faggot_. They confronted Sirius about it, I’m sure he would have lied if it hadn’t been…Regulus wouldn’t look at him. It broke his heart, I could tell. So he told them, yes, it was true and when they told him to see a doctor, he told them to fuck themselves. They threatened him but he’d finally snapped. He came to live with me for a few years, but the press still knew about him and his family was so embarrassed to have him attached to their name that they promised him a salary if…if he left the country. That’s why he came here.”

“His parents _paid him_ to leave?” Lily asked, her heart breaking a little bit.

“Yeah, he acted like it was a great deal but he was a wreck. He tried to go without saying anything. I hardly found out in time.”

“Why, he didn’t blame you, did he?”

“I was in school, studying to become a doctor, and he knew I would drop it, take my own salary, and follow him. He didn’t want me to give up on having a career because of him.”

“ _You_ were going to be a doctor?”

James laughs at her wide-eyed shock. “I’m not actually an idiot. I just act like one.”

“Well, why don’t you finish studying here?”

“I dunno, I guess I never felt like I had a reason to. We weren’t supposed to stay put, we were going to see the states. But when we got here we liked it too much to move.”

“You should finish. Chicks dig the hero-types. I always wanted to marry a doctor.”

“I’m trying to be mature and not hit on you here.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I wish you wouldn’t.” Lily leaned in and gave James a gentle, lingering kiss.

“Will you marry me?” James asked pulling away.

“You really had to do that?” Lily asked, laughing. 

“I am a sucker for tradition.”

That night was a first for James and Lily as well as for Remus and Sirius. For years, that’s how it was: the four of them, coupled off and ridiculously, inconceivably happy.

About a month later, Remus and Sirius decided to live together. Lily and James, who seemed to be trying their best to play relationship catch-up, followed suit.

Twelve years later, Remus had finished his PhD and was teaching classes at Hogwarts University. Lily was head nurse of the AIDS ward she’d been working in for over ten years, and James had finished med school and become a full-fledged doctor. Lily, contrary to her own assurances years earlier, had married him, and they had a beautiful three-year-old son named Harry.

As for Sirius…Sirius Black was nobody’s house wife. Maybe Sirius cooked every night, and sure he enjoyed it, but that didn’t make him a housewife. And yes, he kept the apartment in order while Remus worked. He took care of Harry during the day. Alright, so maybe Sirius was kind of a housewife. But he was happy, genuinely happy, and he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Ten years earlier, Sirius’s favorite uncle (only uncle if you counted the ones who still acknowledged his existence), Alphard, had died. It had been less than ideal for the obvious reasons, but Alphard had made it to a ripe old age and, if the number of women fighting for position of head mourner at his funeral was any indication, he had enjoyed his last few years. Remus had politely cut into their fight to inform the ladies that, actually, Sirius would be head mourner and after a brief, heartfelt speech (“Uncle Alphard was pretty fucking awesome, but he would have hated this funeral shit, so can we please go back to his place and get wasted?”), which all of the ageing hippies present had loudly cheered, Sirius had returned to America a very wealthy man.

Remus had questioned him on how he was going to use his new found wealth and had been incredulous when Sirius informed him that he wanted to use it so that he never had to work another day in his life. Sirius had never had career ambitions, never found that one thing he wanted to do, and frankly, he didn’t see taking care of the house and making Remus more comfortable as a waste of his time. He saw it as the best job a man could possibly have.

Sirius relished every moment he had with Remus, and not just because of the disease. Most of the time they were so happy that it was pushed to the back of their minds. Never forgotten, but not hanging over them like Sirius had originally feared it would. No, Sirius reveled in the time he had with Remus just because it was something he’d never expected to have and however unfairly short it would be, he knew just how grateful to be about having found it at all.

He would lie in bed, his head resting on his lover’s stomach, trying to memorize the sounds Remus’s body made. When Remus would quote from the books he sat up until ridiculous hours reading, Sirius would cling to every word, commit every passage to memory, dreading the day that he wouldn’t be able to just ask Remus where something was from.

More and more, he spent his days flipping through photo albums trying not to make the comparison between the Remus in the pictures and the thinner, paler Remus he saw every day. Instead, he would devote his efforts to the wonderful thrills he got from the pictures. Laughter at seeing himself as James’s best man standing beside Lily’s maid of honor, a Remus that had refused to wear a dress but had, after hours of nagging, agreed to wear a pink suit and rainbow tie. At the edge of the picture, Lily’s sister glared at him jealously in her pink bridesmaid dress. He smiled at Remus wearing an Aladdin cap and holding a smiling Harry in Mickey ears—a trip to Disneyland that Remus had insisted was all he wanted from Sirius when Sirius had offered him anything money could buy. He skipped the pictures that were recent, the ones that made him face what was happening. Remus was getting worse, and Sirius could see that, but he refused to panic.

Sirius’s real excitement over the money actually had nothing to do with his own career ambitions (or lack thereof). Sirius threw his money at Remus’s health problems and kept his lover in remarkably good health through the years. He volunteered his time to HIV/AIDS support groups in the community and he never stopped hoping. It had been nearly twenty years since the damned virus had first shown up and Sirius was sure there had to be a cure coming any day now.

Remus wasn’t so sure, but it didn’t really matter to him anymore. He was sick and no matter how good his doctors were, as hard as Sirius tried to ignore it, he was getting sicker. Remus didn’t want to die. He didn’t like the way he was changing, mood swings made him lash out at whoever was closest (usually Sirius), even when he knew he was being ridiculous. The virus was eating away at him, not just his body, and still, Remus couldn’t bring himself to mourn. It wasn’t something he was happy about, but he was happy.

More than anything, he was sorry for Sirius, would have done anything to spare that man the pain he knew he was feeling, pain that was only going to get worse. Because Sirius had saved his life, as much as Sirius despised that he couldn’t find a cure, Sirius had done something better. Sirius had healed him. He took away every insecurity and had given Remus back his life for over a decade. Remus knew that he had done the same for Sirius but he felt as if he was failing him by leaving, was worried by Sirius’s tendency to react too passionately to things. The only thing Remus feared anymore was that Sirius would fall back apart, the way he had been when they had found each other, and that this time there would be no one to fix it.

When Remus had had one fit too many and Sirius had to confess that he was no longer qualified to be the only person taking care of him, Remus was taken to Lily’s ward. He was treated ridiculously well on account of Sirius’s generous donations over the years. Remus felt safe in Lily’s care but hated being away from Sirius, even though Sirius was by his bedside all day and as long into the night as visiting hours would allow. It wasn’t the same, Sirius wasn’t the same. He was still so tender, so loving, but the hope that had kept Remus going more than the expensive drugs had was gone. His grey eyes would look at Remus like a hurt animal and Remus hated the sad expressions Sirius wore when he thought Remus was asleep more than losing control of his body, his mind, and being forced to accept that he was a few months away from lost, if that.

Remus held on as long as he could for Sirius’s sake and he managed to survive the winter. By spring, however, he had been in the hospital for months and he was tired of fighting. Remus tried to ease Sirius into what was happening, but his lover was adamant, refusing to even think on it for a moment. Remus was too exhausted to keep having the fight and he didn’t want to spend his last months seeing Sirius angry and miserable, so he gave up and decided to just not mention it. They got to be happy, instead. Even if the happiness was based on denial, it didn’t seem so bad; Remus was thankful for the easy conversation and its sharp contrast from the arguments they’d had all winter while he was trying to get Sirius to see that he wasn’t leaving the hospital anytime soon.

“Good morning, my sweet spring blossom,” Sirius said cheerfully, bursting into Remus’s room with a bouquet of tulips and a stupid smile on his gorgeous face.

“Stop, you’ll make me sick,” Remus replied adoringly.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine,” Remus lied convincingly.

“I am glad to hear it. Are they treating you well so far? I hear that awful red-haired nurse is lurking around today.”

“She’s not coming in until a little later, actually.”

Sirius pouted a bit. “Aw, too bad. I haven’t seen my godson since Friday.”

“Your life is a tragedy.”

Sirius bit his lip and Remus wished he could kick himself for pointing it out, even if he had been joking.

“How are things at home?”

“Empty," Sirius replied with a bitter smile. "I don’t really want to talk about it.”

Remus nodded and tried to think of something to say. It was hard to keep track when their conversations went to depressing from tulips in under two minutes. Sirius, ever apt at avoiding things, however, had the atmosphere back on its light and cheery track before Remus had time to get too upset. He changed the topic to the book he was reading, something Remus had finished not long before coming to the hospital, and the majority of the day was spent laughing.

“James is downstairs with Harry,” Lily said, poking her head into Remus’s room when her shift began. “We thought you might want to take care of him since you would be here all day?”

“Oh, she’s a considerate one,” Sirius said sarcastically but Remus knew that he was overjoyed to hear it. “Dropping babysitting duties on me without asking.”

Lily moved toward Remus's bed as if Sirius hadn't said a word. “How are you feeling today, sweetheart?”

“He’s feeling better,” Sirius answered for Remus with a false certainty that made Remus want to cry.

Lily picked up Remus’s charts and made a concerned face. She looked at Remus and must have seen the panicked warning in his eyes because she smoothed it out and smiled. “That’s good to hear! Why don’t you go grab Harry while I check Remus out?”

Sirius nodded, kissed Remus on the forehead, and walked jovially out of the room.

Lily gave him a solemn look. “Remus.”

“Don’t say it, just don’t say it.”

“Visiting hours are almost up," she told him, turning to look toward the door as if she was checking to be sure Sirius wasn't about to walk through it. "You have to tell him before he leaves.”

“No, I don’t. He’s not leaving.”

“What do you mean he’s not leaving?”

“Lily, I need you to do me a favor.”

She shook her head. “I can’t, I wish to God I could, but I can’t.”

“You have to let him stay.”

“It’s not up to me, you know that. I could lose my job.”

“Please. He’s the only thing that will make me feel okay about it. You saw the numbers, babe. I’m gone.”

“No, Remus, you can make it.”

“Don’t do that to me. It’s bad enough from him. I know you don’t believe it, so don’t pretend to, okay? I feel worse than shit and I’m fucking terrified, and I need my fucking boyfriend.”

Lily’s eyes glistened with tears, but she nodded.

“He’s staying tonight, Lils. You can’t take him from me tonight.”

“Yeah, sweetie, I’ll make sure no one checks in. I’ll make sure…you guys are…”

“Say ‘hello’ to Uncle Remus.” Remus heard Sirius cooing from the hallway. Lily let go of his hand, managed to hold herself together for about a second and then ran out before her tears overtook her. Sirius looked hurt, as if he knew what it meant, but he shook his head and sat next to Remus.

“Hello there, Harry.”

“Remmy!” Harry said smiling. Remus put all of the energy he didn’t actually have into playing with the child to distract Sirius and it worked. It seemed like minutes before the day was over and James came in to collect his son.

“My shift is over, I am heading home. I would like to take my child with me, if I have your permission.”

“Out of the question,” Sirius said, bouncing Harry on his knee. “He likes us better than you, anyway.”

James snatched the boy out of Sirius’s grasp, and Harry immediately turned to goo in his father’s arms. Sirius could be exhausting.

“I guess you’re kicking me out, too, then?” Sirius said unhappily.

Remus’s stomach turned nervously. He hadn’t asked James to let Sirius stay and he wasn’t sure if James knew, if he would have talked Lily out of letting Remus have his way.

“No, the supervisor tonight’s a little more lax than the usual guy, so you can get away with staying a little longer.” James gave Remus a tiny squeeze on the shoulder and Remus could read everything he meant from his body language. Lily had told him, and he was helping. Remus almost wanted to kiss him. But there was something more in James’s eyes, and Remus knew what that meant, too. 'Goodbye.' James didn’t need to say it out loud and, in fact, Remus was glad he didn’t.

“Thanks!” Sirius said cheerfully, giving his best friend a goodbye hug and kissing Harry on the cheek one last time before James left.

“I’m not gonna go until they force me to,” Sirius said a few hours later when they still hadn’t kicked him out. “Let’s see if they forgot about me, eh?”

Remus smiled and tugged on Sirius’s hand.

“I’m going to scoot over very carefully, and you’re going to get in here with me.”

“Remus, that’s a bad idea. I could unplug something.”

_It doesn’t matter anymore,_ Remus wanted to scream but instead he just tugged on Sirius until the other man gave in. Sirius climbed gently into the hospital bed and wrapped his body around Remus’s. Remus felt instantly healthy again. Sirius was much taller than him and his entire emaciated body fit easily in Sirius’s embrace. It was warm, and safe, and exactly perfect.

“I love you,” Sirius whispered into Remus’s ear.

Ever faithful to his promise, Sirius had never said it, even though they had both said it in a million different ways, most of them more powerful than even those three words could be.

“You liar,” Remus chuckled.

“What do you mean, baby, you know I do.”

“You promised you wouldn’t,” Remus said playfully. “Lieeeeee.”

“I didn’t lie, you wanker. I promised I wouldn’t fall in love with you. I already had when I promised.”

“Ah, fooled by my own semantics. And here I was thinking I was the word nerd all of these years.”

“I love you, Remus. I love you so much, so, so much.”

“I know, Sirius, I love you too.”

Remus was a little reassured by Sirius’s desperation to say it. It proved that Sirius wasn’t completely in the dark, that on some level he knew what was happening.

“I’m tired,” Remus said through a yawn, knowing that Sirius would understand he wasn’t just talking about being sleepy. “And I want to go to sleep.”

Sirius kissed his neck lightly. “I’ll be right here when you wake up, baby, I promise.”

“I know you will. Goodnight,” Remus said, but what he meant was “Goodbye.”

Remus woke up somewhere in the night feeling more physical pain than he’d ever felt in his life, and in some strange paradox, more relaxed, too. Sirius was still there, in his hospital bed, holding him and sleeping with a far off smile on his face.

“I love you, and I’m going to miss you so much. Thank you, Sirius.” Remus kissed his lover gently enough to know he didn’t wake and saw that Lily had been there, had put Sirius’s tulips in a vase by the bed. He smiled, even then, and sank back into Sirius’s arms and drifted away.

At 9 a.m. on May 2, 1998, Sirius Black woke up on a hospital bed to the sound of a flat line. It was him who was dying, but he felt more alive than he wanted to. As the doctors and nurses poured into the room, Sirius jumped out of the bed and took a look at the man he’d loved—still loved. Remus looked like an angel, beautiful, peaceful, and happy. It was the ugliest thing he’d ever seen in his life.

“Sirius.” He felt a reassuring hand on his shoulder, but he didn’t feel reassured. “Sirius, he went better than we could have hoped for.”

“No, no, he was getting better. He was going to get better. He was gonna come home to me, James.”

James turned him away from the horrifying sight in front of him and made eye contact with him instead. “You knew he wasn’t.”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, admitting it to himself for the first time. “I did. I knew.”

Sirius let his grief burst out of him, and James enveloped him in a comforting hug.

“I’m sorry, mate, I’m so sorry.”

Sirius didn’t reply, couldn’t, and had nothing to say anyway. He was sorry, too, but that didn’t really bring Remus back.

“Where’s Lily?” Sirius suddenly asked, realizing that instead of being the first nurse to rush in, she hadn’t come in at all.

“She’s in the waiting room. She couldn—“

“I know. I need to see her. She understands. She needs me too.”

James nodded and walked Sirius out to Lily, leaving the two alone. They clung to each other and shared their grief for what felt like centuries. Even in reality it was probably hours before Lily wiped her eyes and pulled out of the hug.

“Tea,” she said shakily. “We need tea.”

Sirius nearly wanted to laugh at the old mantra bubbling to the surface, even now, so he nodded and they walked together to the cafeteria, quiet and comforting and supporting each other with the limited strength they had left after the strain of crying for so long.

The next week passed in a blur for Sirius. He spent most of it drunk and bitter and he kind of felt as if that’s how he was going to spend the rest of his life. Two days after Remus died, they had him cremated. They held a tiny service: just Remus’s parents, the Potters, Sirius, and those who were left of their life support group. Even Minerva had awkwardly approached Sirius and given him a hug that was surprisingly maternal. Sirius felt better after the service. He knew that Remus had been suffering. He was genuinely touched by the support he was given, by the amount of affection these people who had welcomed him in without any reason to gave him. He knew it was all for Remus, that it was his goodness and their fondness for him that had made Sirius welcome and that it was their fondness for him that still held them together. Sirius felt dreadful that they weren’t enough, that nothing would ever be able to hold him together again, because most of him was missing now.

“Remus wouldn’t have wanted you to be like this,” Lily said, gently sitting next to Sirius after dinner one night. It had been a month and Sirius knew it wasn’t the mourning she was talking about. She tried to ply the bottle out of his hand. “His heart would break if you went back to that after everything he tried to do for you.”

“I don’t care,” Sirius said sulkily, taking a long sip. “I don’t care. He left me. I hate him for it. I know it makes me awful, but I’m so angry at him.”

Lily took his hand and squeezed. Sirius braced himself for a lecture, for her to misunderstand him and try to talk reason into him.

“I know. I hate him, too.”

Sirius should have realized that Lily would know what he really meant, that she had loved Remus enough to share that illogical anger that he could be so wonderful and then abandon them to live without him. He handed her the bottle and buried his face in his hands.

“You have so much to be happy about, Sirius. You have us. I know it’s not enough to make you happy, but it should be enough to keep you in one piece. You don’t need to fall apart again. Don’t do it to spite him, you’ll regret it.”

Sirius nodded, swallowing his sobs. He knew she was right.

Harry Potter was always excited when Sirius came to visit. He always wished Sirius would stay longer. Every time he visited, he overheard his parents asking Sirius when he was going to come back and even though he’d never really understood what it meant, he wished with everything he had that one day, his godfather would stay and be part of their lives again. Harry’s memories of Sirius were scattered but always fond. Sirius traveled the world and would always bring him cool things from his trips. Sometimes, if it was over the summer or winter break, Sirius would even take him along on trips. Sirius could afford to take his whole family on vacation and sometimes his friends got to come along, too. Being around Sirius was always a good time, and Harry always longed for excitement.

But it wasn’t just the gifts and the adventure that Harry loved about Sirius. It was the way the man treated him, the way he would light up when he was talking to his father, or bothering his mother, or tossing a ball with him. Sirius had, for as long as Harry could remember, a haunted aura around him that seemed less pronounced when they were together. It wasn’t that Sirius was particularly depressing, Harry just could tell that something had left a scar on his godfather, and that the scar got a little better but never stopped hurting. Harry wanted so much to help Sirius.

“Uncle Sirius, can I ask you something?”

“Yes, Harry, what is it?”

Harry shuffled, unsure of himself. He’d found a picture a few weeks before Sirius had arrived of two men holding a baby. He knew the baby was him and that one of the men was a younger, less worn Sirius, but the other man struck him as familiar and Harry couldn’t shake the feeling that he knew him. Sirius’s arm was around the man’s shoulder, and it was the only time Harry had ever seen Sirius smile all the way to his eyes.

“Who is this man?” Harry finally asked, holding the picture out to him.

Sirius took it and for a moment, Harry regretted asking. The usual dulled pain flashed on his godfather’s face, fresh and more painful than before.

“That’s your godfather, Remus.”

“I thought you were my godfather?”

Sirius smiled a little and ruffled Harry’s hair, handing the picture back after one last nostalgic glance.

“Same thing,” he said elusively. Harry tilted his head a little and wondered if there was something he was missing.

“I think I miss him,” Harry suddenly said, not even realizing how much he meant it until the words were out of his mouth.

Sirius looked at Harry proudly and smiled widely. “He cared about you a lot and…” Sirius’s voice broke off but Harry didn’t feel like it was entirely sad anymore. “His love was worth having.”

Harry held the picture to his chest and put his hand over his godfather’s in what he hoped was a reassuring way.

“Are you going to come back?” Harry asked hopefully.

Sirius looked at Harry for a long minute and then gave him a friendly pat on the back.

“Yeah, I think I am.”

Harry smiled at the new expression in Sirius’s eyes. He was going to stay, finally, and Harry knew instinctively that his godfather was finally going to be alright.


End file.
